I'm Jean Maurie and I'm a recovering Agoraphobic

I belong to a blogging group-- Blog Along With Effy and we get a topic to write about every day. Today is day 5 and although I've been reading other people's blogs I haven't started to post until today.  I'm not going to beat myself up about it either but if I continue to procrastinate I'll never post so here goes:

TODAY'S NUDGE: What is something you struggle with? What battles are you fighting that most people know nothing about? What's something about you or your life that makes you feel weird, or different, or isolated?

I am a recovering agoraphobic.  I have written blogs about it and I created a video about it that I will post at the end of this.

So even though I can call myself a "recovering agoraphobic"  I haven't been driving regularly, although I know I need to and would love to feel confident again driving, it scares me.   I don't travel far away for various reasons and haven't seen my Great Grandsons or my Granddaughter's husband.  Yes I know, it is sad but it is what it is.

I didn't used to be able to eat out at restaurants but I can now.  Standing in line has gotten better but I still have trouble getting haircuts and going to the doctor or the dentist is hard.

Why do I have this problem?  

I had many surgeries as a child to repair a cleft lip and palate.  I was told to be a big brave girl and don't cry.  I held it all in and was terrified.  This is called a trauma and experiencing it over and over caused Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).   I would be taken to the hospital the day before the surgeries and mother would go home.  I was left all night terrified of what was coming.  Early in the morning I would get an enema.  Why they gave us enemas before facial surgery mystifies me.  I guess they didn't want us pooping on the operating table.  But that was another trauma and to this day when I have a panic attack it makes me feel like I've gotten an enema and I better get to a bathroom soon.   

School was a nightmare.  I had a panic attack every morning for 12 years and couldn't eat breakfast.  Summers were better unless I was scheduled for surgery.  

I tried hypnotherapy, Primal Scream Therapy, Cognitive Behavior Therapy,  and more.  I tried positive thinking, affirmations but during that time it was more like pushing down feelings rather than acknowledging them and learning what their messages were for me.
Finally about nine or ten years ago I found Emotional Freedom Technique  EFT.   It is tapping on the acupuncture points.  This is now my go to tool to help me when I get anxious.  Sometimes instead of tapping I just hold the points and breathe.  It helps.  I will tap or hold the points one by one and say something like this, "Even though I feel anxious I am ok right now.
"Even though my stomach is in a knot, I am acknowledging it and not trying to cover it over with affirmations.
"Even though I'm scared I am taking care of myself right now.
I breathe as I tap and talk.  This lessens the intensity until I can start thinking more rationally and realize that indeed I really am ok.   

Will I completely be free from this?  I don't know. At 81 I kind of doubt it.  But I have a full life even with panic and anxiety.  I try not to let it rule my life.  So far so good.  The rest remains to be lived.