Blogging Day 9 People Who Think They Know how Others Should Live Their Lives

My friend Reenee Cummins shared this picture on Facebook.  It spoke to me.   I am sure I have been guilty of doing this to other people, especially when I was younger and thought I knew how others should do things and when.  I was so bad back then.  I hope I don’t do it anymore. 

That cat looks quite sarcastic doesn’t it, or bored.  

Why this spoke to me is that when I was so agoraphobic I would get these intense stomach pains while trying to go to classes or church.  I remember wanting to go and driving there but I’d get into the parking lot and almost be doubled over by pain.   I’d drive away and the pain would go away.   Sometimes I drove back and went in, other times I’d go home. It was very tiring.  People would say, “Where were you?”  “Why didn’t you come to class?”  I would mumble something about not feeling well or use some other excuse. I was so afraid to tell them how weak it made me feel. Sometimes I would get brave and tell them about my fears.  “Oh just say affirmations or ask God to help you.”  I’d hear.  That hurt. Why? Because no one knew how often I did this.  I’d beg God to take this fear away.  I actually didn’t know what was wrong with me.  I thought someday I would lose control and get locked up someplace.  This was in the 1960s. 

Another time I was sitting in the middle row amongst people listening to a lecture I was interested in but I felt so trapped I felt like I needed to run.  My hands became clammy, I couldn’t concentrate on the talk, and I just needed to get out. But I didn’t want to bother anyone and I felt glued to the seat.  A friend told me to just excuse yourself, get up and get out. I didn’t know how. It was too scary. I haven’t put myself back in that position since.  I always sit on an aisle seat. 

Later I was watching the Phil Donahue show in the early 70s and there were people talking about having the same symptoms I did.  I was so excited to know there was a name for it and I wasn’t crazy after all. Dr. Hardy was a pioneer in treating Agoraphobia. 

Next came an article in the Good Housekeeping magazine about it and having self-help groups where people with these fears could help and support each other.  We didn’t have anything like this in Palm Beach County where I lived at the time so somehow I started one and facilitated it for a year.   I won’t go into the details but it was way out of my comfort zone.   I went through hypnosis, talk therapy, Primal Scream therapy and everything helped.   I’m now working with Emotional Freedom Technique – Tapping and it is very helpful.  I’m still not doing some of the things I would like to be doing but I am better.  I eat in restaurants and I can go to meetings if I want to. I don’t obsess so much about the physical symptoms that I feel but I have tapping and other tools to use.

I didn’t mean to go into this so much because this is about how people don’t seem to know what to say that is helpful.  Instead they try to tell you what to do and they can be very critical too.   Yes I tried positive thinking, meditation, affirmations but what I was actually doing was trying to cover up fears that were buried and suck it up.  It did work sometimes but mostly I felt like a loser and I was actually mad at my body.  I actually had therapists tell me how lucky I was that I felt pain when I tried to do something scary. I didn’t understand that until I got into Emotional Freedom (EFT).  Now I thank my body for trying to protect me.  When we get pains it is for a reason.  Being gentle with myself and thanking my body is much more helpful than being mad at it and tensing up.

From this I hope I’m more compassionate with people. I don’t tell them what to do or put them down for their pains.  Instead I ask them how it feels, listen with empathy and many times people feel safe enough to cry and let their feelings out.  I am so honored when they can share their vulnerability with me. 

Blogging Day 4 Fifty Five Years of Journaling

I have been keeping a journal since 1963 and have over fifteen filled notebooks dated and with numbered pages (at least on the earlier ones).  I am not going to digitize them.  Some of the ink on the pages has faded.  What do I do with these? 

There is a book called The Gentle Art of Death Cleansing which I haven't read yet.  But I read some articles about it and she says to get rid of journals! No one wants them.  Really?  I would love to read my Mother, Grandmother or Aunt's journals. I love to read journal books like  Journal of a Solitude by May Sarton.  My friend suggests donating them to a college.  However I doubt that they'd want it.

Just like our grandparents china, jewelry and furniture isn't wanted by this generation of young people.  I've heard and read that people are having a hard time getting rid of our Grandparents and parents "stuff".  No one wants piano's anymore.  It is a different world!

These journals tell my story about having panic attacks and anxiety and not knowing what was wrong with me until I discovered I had Agoraphobia.   I wrote about what I did to try and get rid of the panic attacks.  I wrote about different methods I discovered and the various therapies I tried.

I wrote about arguments I had with my mother and more.  It was good for me to write and I'm sure it helped my mental health.  I don't feel much like keeping a journal anymore. Blogging and emails seem to satisfy me now.

But what do I do with my journals? I'm almost 82. I doubt if I'll write my memoirs.  Who would read them? Would I have time?  Do I even want to spend the energy on this?  Probably not unless I was totally alone with no distractions.

So if you read this I would be interested in ideas, suggestions.  Thanks.

Fear, Panic Attacks, Anxiety I felt all of these

When I was a child I had many surgeries to repair a cleft lip and palate.  I was told to be a "good girl" and a "big girl" and don't cry.  But I was terrified.  I told my mother I was nervous and she said, "Little girls don't have nerves."  Why am I writing about this?  Because as a child I couldn't flee.  I couldn't fight.  So my emotions and fears froze inside.  I had to wear a cuff that prevented me from reaching up and pulling out my stitches so I felt even more trapped.

I became phobic and when I went to school I looked different and was hard of hearing.  The kids called me quiver lip and more.  One little girl said she'd be friends with me when we were alone but when others were around she wouldn't be my friend.  I accepted that but it hurt.  I didn't learn how to stand up for myself.  I had a stomach ache every morning before I went to school and actually looked forward to being sick so I could stay home from school and not feel stressed.

The teachers didn't know how scared I was, they just thought I was trying to get away with doing my school work or they thought I was stupid.  I often sat in class staring out the window wanting to run home but I knew they would bring me back to school.

Having not dealt with any of these fears, they turned into Agoraphobia, the fear of having a panic attack and losing control.  For many years I thought someday I was going to go crazy and get locked up in a mental institution.   I used to call it "my problem" having no idea what was wrong with me or how to get help.  People would tell me to just get out there and be brave.  I had been "brave" for too long.

Why am I talking about this now? Not to make anyone feel sorry for me but to explain that I was traumatized by not being able to flee or fight.  All these fears were locked down within and came out as phobias.  I had many types of therapies and everything helped a little but it wasn't until I found Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) and Thriving now that I really got help.  When we experience a series of traumas our primitive brain does everything it can to protect us, to try and keep us safe.  For me my primitive brain helped me feel safe by making me scared to go to doctors, dentists, school and I don't even like to get my hair cut.  I am getting better though thanks to learning about the Primitive Brain and how to make it my friend and sooth it.

There is a wonderful course that I took and was greatly helped that is starting again.  It is called Reprogramming Your Primitive Brain.  Anyone who signs up before midnight on Thursday gets a free 20 minute tapping session with Rick Wilkes either by Skype or phone.  Rick Wilkes and Cathy Vartuli have helped me so much and I have many tools now if a panic attack starts.  I am still a work in progress but I've come a long way.

So if you have anxiety or feel unsafe, have a problem with self-worth you might want to take a look at the Reprogramming Your Primitive Brain Course.  There are tapping videos, meditations, phone calls you can participate in and more.  You didn't need to experience the kinds of trauma I did to feel unworthy or have self-esteem issues.  There are many "small traumas" that can trigger these kinds of feelings.  Tapping is amazing and very simple.  I continue to feel more confident and happier.  I hope you will too.

With Love, Jean Maurie 

Not Allowed Outside for 14 years

Imagine never being allowed to leave your house for 14 years unless you were accompanied by your parents! That's what happened to 6 brothers. 

I watched this on ABC 20/20 last night and was so fascinated that I rewound it and watched it again.  

These brothers, are called The Wolfpack.  For some reason they had access to movies.  10,000 movies!  They watched movies all day and memorized them.  Then they began to act out the movies and made props and costumes.  

After their father covered the windows so they couldn't see out, their claustrophobia got worse and one brave 15 year old boy named Makunda had to escape, so he went out after the father left to get groceries. He put on one of the masks from their movie props so his father wouldn't see him on the street.  He didn't know his address and wandered into a hospital and a grocery store.  With the mask on, it scared people and someone called the police. They started questioning him but he was told never to talk to strangers so he didn't answer and they took him to a hospital mental ward where he stayed for a week.  He loved it there.  As he said in the program he was curious.  His curiosity and need to get out helped change the dynamics for his brothers and mother.  I was totally immersed thinking what it must have been like for this family.  

Soon the other brothers got out and as fate would have it, since their whole life was about movies, the first person they met was a female film producer. She was fascinated in their story and documented their story and filmed their experiences as they discovered what life was like outside their home.   It is showing in theaters now and I'm looking forward to seeing the movie.  Here is a trailer of the documentary.

They were remarkably resilient and are now working.  Maybe it's because they were so connected and helped each other.  It makes me wonder what I would have been like had I had a twin sister or someone who helped me. Not that I was locked in my house but being agoraphobic is a bit similar. I wonder if any of these men will have problems later. Was this traumatic for them? Or was their bonding enough?  I certainly wish them well.

More fears come up to be healed

Here it Saturday. What a difference a day makes. I was yelling at the voices last night telling them they'd better be real or I didn't want anything to do with them. When I woke up this morning there were the pains again. I hadn't felt them all night and I'm thinking WTF. I've been trying to get to the bottom of them. So as I laid in my recliner trying to wake up but sorta not wanting to, I realized there were 7 fears lurking there pinching me in my gut. "Listen to us," they were saying. "If you listen to us we can be on our way." So I tapped (when I say tapped I don't mean on my stomach but there is this tapping routine I learned through the EFT classes, online, and in DVD's I bought. (www.emofree.com) I tap on acupressure points, which do release and heal emotional issues. So I tapped about 6 rounds this morning and really let the fears speak to me. I know I have more releasing to go but my stomach feels a lot better today!!!

I decided to pull some cards to see what my message is for today. Interesting, I got some of the same cards as yesterday. Today the journey card came up first and yes this is a journey toward healing myself and my fears. It has been quite a journey over these 73 years. I didn't know enough to work on them as a child, all I learned was to push down, be strong and clench. I started on the healing journey when I was about 35. Before that I didn't know I had a brain in my head. One day I was sitting in a used book store with some friends who were all college graduates and I was holding my own in the conversation. That was when I realized, hey I'm not so dumb after all. So from 35 to 73 I've been working on myself through different modalities from hypnosis, "primal scream", meditation, astrology, past life regression,and how to get over agoraphobia, etc. I wonder if there is any end to the journey? I don't think we ever get to a point when we've learned it all and we're done. But I know we can feel a hell of a lot better and I expect to.

This leads me to my next card which again is gift. I do love the gift of healing, feeling better, liking myself better, becoming more unafraid. Next is marriage again, still working between the feeling side of myself and the head and rational side. It is good to be balanced. Not only am I working on myself emotionally but I am giving up colas for a few days anyhow. The voices told me to get down in the basement and dance, that will loosen me up. Have I done it? No but I'm gonnna.

The hidden card is really nice. It's money/reward. Yes I feel that when I get through this I will be rewarded. I will have more knowledge to use to help my own clients and have more to write about too. Plus isn't feeling better a reward all by itself?

Happy weekend with tons of ^i^ hugs,