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I have been keeping a journal since 1963 and have over fifteen filled notebooks dated and with numbered pages (at least on the earlier ones). I am not going to digitize them. Some of the ink on the pages has faded. What do I do with these?
There is a book called The Gentle Art of Death Cleansing which I haven't read yet. But I read some articles about it and she says to get rid of journals! No one wants them. Really? I would love to read my Mother, Grandmother or Aunt's journals. I love to read journal books like Journal of a Solitude by May Sarton. My friend suggests donating them to a college. However I doubt that they'd want it.
Just like our grandparents china, jewelry and furniture isn't wanted by this generation of young people. I've heard and read that people are having a hard time getting rid of our Grandparents and parents "stuff". No one wants piano's anymore. It is a different world!
These journals tell my story about having panic attacks and anxiety and not knowing what was wrong with me until I discovered I had Agoraphobia. I wrote about what I did to try and get rid of the panic attacks. I wrote about different methods I discovered and the various therapies I tried.
I wrote about arguments I had with my mother and more. It was good for me to write and I'm sure it helped my mental health. I don't feel much like keeping a journal anymore. Blogging and emails seem to satisfy me now.
But what do I do with my journals? I'm almost 82. I doubt if I'll write my memoirs. Who would read them? Would I have time? Do I even want to spend the energy on this? Probably not unless I was totally alone with no distractions.
So if you read this I would be interested in ideas, suggestions. Thanks.
When I was a child I had many surgeries to repair a cleft lip and palate. I was told to be a "good girl" and a "big girl" and don't cry. But I was terrified. I told my mother I was nervous and she said, "Little girls don't have nerves." Why am I writing about this? Because as a child I couldn't flee. I couldn't fight. So my emotions and fears froze inside. I had to wear a cuff that prevented me from reaching up and pulling out my stitches so I felt even more trapped.
I became phobic and when I went to school I looked different and was hard of hearing. The kids called me quiver lip and more. One little girl said she'd be friends with me when we were alone but when others were around she wouldn't be my friend. I accepted that but it hurt. I didn't learn how to stand up for myself. I had a stomach ache every morning before I went to school and actually looked forward to being sick so I could stay home from school and not feel stressed.
The teachers didn't know how scared I was, they just thought I was trying to get away with doing my school work or they thought I was stupid. I often sat in class staring out the window wanting to run home but I knew they would bring me back to school.
Having not dealt with any of these fears, they turned into Agoraphobia, the fear of having a panic attack and losing control. For many years I thought someday I was going to go crazy and get locked up in a mental institution. I used to call it "my problem" having no idea what was wrong with me or how to get help. People would tell me to just get out there and be brave. I had been "brave" for too long.
Why am I talking about this now? Not to make anyone feel sorry for me but to explain that I was traumatized by not being able to flee or fight. All these fears were locked down within and came out as phobias. I had many types of therapies and everything helped a little but it wasn't until I found Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) and Thriving now that I really got help. When we experience a series of traumas our primitive brain does everything it can to protect us, to try and keep us safe. For me my primitive brain helped me feel safe by making me scared to go to doctors, dentists, school and I don't even like to get my hair cut. I am getting better though thanks to learning about the Primitive Brain and how to make it my friend and sooth it.
There is a wonderful course that I took and was greatly helped that is starting again. It is called Reprogramming Your Primitive Brain. Anyone who signs up before midnight on Thursday gets a free 20 minute tapping session with Rick Wilkes either by Skype or phone. Rick Wilkes and Cathy Vartuli have helped me so much and I have many tools now if a panic attack starts. I am still a work in progress but I've come a long way.
So if you have anxiety or feel unsafe, have a problem with self-worth you might want to take a look at the Reprogramming Your Primitive Brain Course. There are tapping videos, meditations, phone calls you can participate in and more. You didn't need to experience the kinds of trauma I did to feel unworthy or have self-esteem issues. There are many "small traumas" that can trigger these kinds of feelings. Tapping is amazing and very simple. I continue to feel more confident and happier. I hope you will too.
With Love, Jean Maurie
