Being Here and Present With My Life Day 14

"In Zen we learn there isn't some magical place we'll discover if we meditate long enough.  There isn't an "ideal you" who always remains calm and serene, untouched by the sadness of life. What we strive to learn is simply to be here, to be present with our lives."  Nate Kojun Hayes 

What if this is true? What if we struggled to meditate often thinking we'll reach that place where we always will be calm and serene?

What if we went through a lot of therapy thinking we'll reach that "magical place"?  What do we think that "magical place" will feel like?

I know I affirmed and affirmed and affirmed just like I was taught, thinking if I affirmed enough nothing bad would happen to me.  I really hoped it was true.  It wasn't.

Now all I want to do is simply be here and present.  I'm not sure how to do it but I'm curious and playing with the idea.  I'm not going to "strive" for it though or "struggle" - hopefully.


I'm blogging with Effy Wild for the month of April.

Motivated Hopefully - Day 1

I've been thinking about blogging but haven't been doing it. I don't feel like wondering why but blogging sits on a ledge in the corner of my mind dangling her feet and wondering what to say. I got motivated today, I hope. Effy Wild from Artfully Wild Blog Along on Facebook started the April blogging challenge again this year. Yay! I'm glad I found it on April 5th and not the 25th. At least I have time to catch up.

I've been playing with a digital art program, Procreate on my ipad with the apple pencil.  Sometimes I think it's fun but it's also frustrating. There is so much to learn about layering, drawing and painting tools and colors. So I watch a Youtube video about how procreate works and practice. 

I think once I learn how procreate works more thoroughly, I will enjoy creating more.

Blogging Day 9 People Who Think They Know how Others Should Live Their Lives

My friend Reenee Cummins shared this picture on Facebook.  It spoke to me.   I am sure I have been guilty of doing this to other people, especially when I was younger and thought I knew how others should do things and when.  I was so bad back then.  I hope I don’t do it anymore. 

That cat looks quite sarcastic doesn’t it, or bored.  

Why this spoke to me is that when I was so agoraphobic I would get these intense stomach pains while trying to go to classes or church.  I remember wanting to go and driving there but I’d get into the parking lot and almost be doubled over by pain.   I’d drive away and the pain would go away.   Sometimes I drove back and went in, other times I’d go home. It was very tiring.  People would say, “Where were you?”  “Why didn’t you come to class?”  I would mumble something about not feeling well or use some other excuse. I was so afraid to tell them how weak it made me feel. Sometimes I would get brave and tell them about my fears.  “Oh just say affirmations or ask God to help you.”  I’d hear.  That hurt. Why? Because no one knew how often I did this.  I’d beg God to take this fear away.  I actually didn’t know what was wrong with me.  I thought someday I would lose control and get locked up someplace.  This was in the 1960s. 

Another time I was sitting in the middle row amongst people listening to a lecture I was interested in but I felt so trapped I felt like I needed to run.  My hands became clammy, I couldn’t concentrate on the talk, and I just needed to get out. But I didn’t want to bother anyone and I felt glued to the seat.  A friend told me to just excuse yourself, get up and get out. I didn’t know how. It was too scary. I haven’t put myself back in that position since.  I always sit on an aisle seat. 

Later I was watching the Phil Donahue show in the early 70s and there were people talking about having the same symptoms I did.  I was so excited to know there was a name for it and I wasn’t crazy after all. Dr. Hardy was a pioneer in treating Agoraphobia. 

Next came an article in the Good Housekeeping magazine about it and having self-help groups where people with these fears could help and support each other.  We didn’t have anything like this in Palm Beach County where I lived at the time so somehow I started one and facilitated it for a year.   I won’t go into the details but it was way out of my comfort zone.   I went through hypnosis, talk therapy, Primal Scream therapy and everything helped.   I’m now working with Emotional Freedom Technique – Tapping and it is very helpful.  I’m still not doing some of the things I would like to be doing but I am better.  I eat in restaurants and I can go to meetings if I want to. I don’t obsess so much about the physical symptoms that I feel but I have tapping and other tools to use.

I didn’t mean to go into this so much because this is about how people don’t seem to know what to say that is helpful.  Instead they try to tell you what to do and they can be very critical too.   Yes I tried positive thinking, meditation, affirmations but what I was actually doing was trying to cover up fears that were buried and suck it up.  It did work sometimes but mostly I felt like a loser and I was actually mad at my body.  I actually had therapists tell me how lucky I was that I felt pain when I tried to do something scary. I didn’t understand that until I got into Emotional Freedom (EFT).  Now I thank my body for trying to protect me.  When we get pains it is for a reason.  Being gentle with myself and thanking my body is much more helpful than being mad at it and tensing up.

From this I hope I’m more compassionate with people. I don’t tell them what to do or put them down for their pains.  Instead I ask them how it feels, listen with empathy and many times people feel safe enough to cry and let their feelings out.  I am so honored when they can share their vulnerability with me. 

Blogging Day 8 Mistaken Identity

 Mistaken Identity

My mother didn’t know who I was. When I was born she treated me as if she owned me. As Alan Cohen writes in his book, Dare to Be Yourself, “Like an eagle, we have suffered under a case of mistaken identity.” Mother taught me about fear. I learned them well. I forgot that I was a magnificent individual born with a purpose. The teachers told me I was dumb. They didn’t realize what a magnificent soul they were talking to. The kids called me quiver lip, harelip and ugly. One little girl named Selma said she’d be my friend when nobody was around but wouldn’t like me when the other kids were there. I was so desperate to be liked, that I let that be okay with me.

For years I tried to fit in so I’d be liked. I obeyed and smiled, was patted on the head and told what a good girl I was and oh so sweet. I liked that so I became even sweeter and would go out of my way to do things for people whether I wanted to or not.

I remember one Christmas dinner my aunt asked me to run upstairs to her room and get her cigarettes. “When will I be old enough so I can say no?” I asked. Her face stopped smiling as she answered coldly, “Never mind, I’ll get them myself.” I learned not to speak up for fear of disapproval.

When did I wake up? There were signs when I’d talk to Rev Mary L Kupferle, the minister of the Lake Worth, Florida Unity church. I’d write letters to her and tell her how scared I was and how I didn’t fit in. She would remind me that I didn’t have to follow in my mother’s footsteps. I loved Mary Kupferle and she let me write the program for her Wednesday noon service. She even paid me to type one of her books for her. She saw some of my greatness. I was so amazed when I read her obituary that she and my mother were born the same year. What a difference between two women.

My friend Ed caught a glimmer of who I was. He was the kind of friend who looked straight into my eyes as I talked and really heard me. One day we met in a Sundry store downtown Lake Worth, Fl. I showed him that one of the stories I’d written was published in a magazine that was on the shelf. He picked it up and walked around the store showing it to everyone who came in, telling them that I wrote it and pointed to me. What fun that was! We took our raggedy Ann and Andy dolls to the mall one afternoon and had them talk to people walking by. Some liked it, others scowled while some ignored us altogether. Ed and I were kindred spirits on some level. His birthday was the day before mine. I miss Ed and Mary and hope they greet me when it’s my turn to pass over.

Bernie, my husband tells me I can do it and when I was doing tarot readings at Duffy’s Sports Bar he’d tell me he heard people say they loved my readings and how good I was. He likes to brag about my talents and he has encouraged me. I’ve been blessed having him as my help mate.

When I joined ThrivingNow, Rick Wilkes and Cathy Vartuli saw my greatness. They encourage me and Cathy often says, “You Rock, Jean!” As I’ve been working with them using Emotional Freedom Technique EFT-tapping, I’ve learned to love myself even when I felt stupid or unworthy. Rick and Cathy tapped on these feelings with me during our calls and in private sessions to help me release those unworthy feelings and to love that real, vulnerable person I really am. I can truly say I love myself no matter what. It is not saying I am perfect because no one can be, but to love my humanness, my spirit.

Whether or not I actually fulfill my reason for being born, my potential remains to be seen. Maybe I am fulfilling it now as I write, teach and help people find their own wonderful selves. Maybe that’s what my life is about – courage despite traumas, love despite bullying and glimpses of freedom despite the heavy lessons of fear. Like the eagle, I say Jean Maurie, come forth and claim your true identity and soar! Be one with that great mind that created you and everyone else! Let the resurrection begin!

Wish there was Facebook when I was a new mother

I was just reading my Granddaughter's Facebook page to wish her a happy wedding anniversary but I didn't get to do it yet because I was reading some of the things  people posted on her page.  Her mother in-law posted a cute swing where you put the baby in the swing and you got on a swing in front of him and the two of you swing together. 

Another post was a picture of a tray for a toddler.  Here is what was written about it. "Toddlers do not eat much. Try using an ice tray to satisfy their bird-like appetites and for a fun, unique presentation. Be sure to throw in plenty of healthy choices like berries, peas, corn, cheese, cucumber, etc."

There was a post on how to take out splinters and Vicks vapoRub to put on the bottoms of feet to stop coughs.

I see links for parents who's baby won't sleep much which I found interesting. People commented and it seemed they were supporting each other. How comforting.

When I was a new mother in 1959 it was so lonely, especially since I had post-partum depression "baby blues"  that came on the day after my son's birth. I found myself crying for no reason at all.   He was a very light sleeper and would wake up every hour and a half fussing.  Of course I didn't know what was normal and what wasn't.  I felt so responsible and terrified.  I was so scared that I couldn't hear my own intuition.

Most of us mothers didn't go to work back then but were stay-at-home mothers with no day care.  I don't know what I would have done without the support of my family.  My mother lived about 5 miles or so away so I'd go up there and let my younger sister and brother play with my son.  It gave me some time to unwind and feel less stressful.

  

If we'd had social media back then we could have connected with each other and not have felt so isolated.  I know, Facebook and Twitter can be addictive but there is a lot of good too.  Yes "they" say we should have more face to face interaction but if we are shy and don't have a lot of friends or we live in rural areas social media can help us feel more connected. There are groups online now for people with post-partum depression, groups to help mother's breast feed, groups for parents of babies who don't sleep a lot.  How wonderful and comforting that would have been for me.  I wouldn't have felt so alone and scared. 

Why Does it Feel like Everyone's Getting on My Last Nerve?

We’ve heard a lot about road rage on the news lately. What is going through someone’s mind when they get upset about being cut off by another driver? Or why does the other driver cut someone off? What has their day been like? Did their boss yell at them? Were they recently fired? Did they get in a fight with their wife at breakfast? We’ll never know. But often other people’s reactions affect our own.

What if you’ve had a sleepless night and you are in a grumpy mood? Or what if you’ve been up all night with a sick child and have to go to work the next day? Will your worry and tiredness leak out all over other people in the office or will you snarl impatiently when you call customer service about some problem? Or will someone else’s mood affect yours? Why do our moods and angers affect others? It’s because we, as humans were trained to be alert to dangers to keep us safe. When we were tribe members and a lion or tiger approached we’d all be on alert. We had to be or we might be in danger of being eaten.

Believe it or not, we still have a lot of this in us, trying to protect us from being hurt. So when our boss yells we feel it even if he’s not yelling at us. Or if I get frustrated at the way the letters don’t appear right away when I try to type something on Facebook and I pound the keyboard with frustration, my husband hears me rage. What’s it doing to him? It certainly can’t feel peaceful. Yes, sometimes I rage because I’m human and that’s when I realize I need to stop and tap to release the frustration energy and calm myself down. When we care about the people we interact with on a daily basis, so we feel upset when our friend calls and tells us that they had a fight with their partner. We’re unhappy when our son calls and says he got fired. And it can upset us when we hear a news story about someone who was bullied, who we don’t even know. The good news is that we can change our reactions and our emotions! “Really”, you ask? “How?” We can Reprogram our Primitive Brain. Yes, really and it isn’t all that hard.  Honest!

Here is what Rick Wilkes wrote. “And it’s not as hard as it sounds. I can teach someone how to write a simple computer program in 5 minutes. Cathy and I together can teach you how to start reprogramming your primitive brain in no time! And if you give it just 20 minutes a day worth of time and attention, for a few weeks, you will have developed a skill that is even more valuable than being an expert computer programmer.”

I took this course last year and even though I will still get frustrated from time to time, it doesn’t last as long nor is it as often because I have the tools to use now and can stop and tap. I can even laugh at myself for my humanness but even better, I don’t beat myself up anymore when I do act human. I used to be ruled by anxiety and panic attacks. I don’t get them as much anymore. Sure, I feel anxiety and energy rising within me but I know how to calm my primitive brain and sooth it. I have much more control than I used to. So would you like to feel calmer, more in control and happier? If so, I invite you to join me to Reprogram Your Primitive Brain. Join me? Yes I’m going to take the course again because I found it so valuable that I want to go through it another time and anchor all that I learned the first time. "You don’t have time, you say? You don’t know how? “Of course not. Your primitive brain is likely stressed from never feeling like it can take a break. We know how to shift that. “I can’t do this on my own!”

Of course not. No one can. It’s why Cathy and Rick will be there to make it as easy as possible for you.

If you’re tired of being an infectious agent of negative emotions… if you’re exhausted by being triggered by the negative emotions of others… at least check this out. Why? Because for Cathy and Rick, it is their mission to bring this awareness to Light. When we all learn how to detect that someone is “in their primitive brain” we can each respond in a healthy way rather than a reactive way. We can offer a hug or help… and not join in the battle.

The world has enough battles going on…

We want to co-creative safe, healthy, loving connections. That requires a shift out of the primitive brain into the whole of the body-mind.

It’s an honor that individuals from 77 countries have already taken this program with us. It’s making a difference. We want this idea to spread… and we want peace and confidence for each and every person… and for YOU.

Let’s do this together! You can sign up here:http://www.thrivingnow.com/primitive-brain/

With love and support," Rick & Cathy and Me too

P.S. We invite you to share this with others in our tribe. Thanks for spreading the word! P.P.S. The program closes Friday at midnight. If you are devoted to this kind of change in yourself and the world, do sign up now.”

Happy Birthday Daddy

January 12 1917 my Daddy was born.  He would be 97 today if he had lived.  He died on a cold March day in 1949 at only 32 years old.  It seemed the whole town of Wenonah, NJ came out for his funeral because he was so well liked.  He would take the shirt off his back and give it to someone if they needed it. 

He was a volunteer fireman and after fire drill practice he'd bring the guys home and fix onion rings or french fries for everyone.  Those were fun times.   Jack had a set of drums and I remember he'd turn on his Glenn Miller recordings and drum to the music.  I loved hearing him drumming but when he got out his harmonica I would start to cry and Mommy took me out for a walk.  I've never figured out why the harmonica made me cry.

Daddy as a child

Daddy

Me and Dad

Me and Dad at his gas station

When I was going through my surgeries as a child and so scared, my Daddy would hold my hand while they put the scary ether mask over my face.  That always helped soothe me. 

July 4th I got to sit next to him in the firetruck and ring the bell as he drove me and the other kids around town. It was fun.  After he owned his own gas station they decorated my bicycle with empty oil cans, other paraphernalia, and signs saying "My Daddy's Station is open now." I rode it in the parade and received an honorable mention.

Me with my decorated bike for 4th of July parade

Jack had a good sense of humor and when Mom asked him where he was going he'd say, "I'm going to wind the clock at City Hall." 

I also remember some of my friends would come over and we'd  would start a monopoly game with Dad that lasted for days. 

There were good memories and not so good memories but isn't that the way with most families.  

Daddy will have been gone almost 65 years now and that's a long time in earth years.  I sometimes wonder where he is - still in spirit or has he reincarnated?  I had one reading when he came in and apologized for having left so early.  He gave me flowers and said he wished he'd gotten to know his son, my brother.

So Happy Birthday to you Daddy, it would have been nice to have you in my life longer so you could meet my husband, son, granddaughter and great grandsons. 

I would like one more dance with you. So let's make it a date for when I pass over and we'll dance together ♥♥

After I'm Gone

I'm reading Then Again by Diane Keaton, a memoir she wrote about herself and her connection with her mother. Diane found journals her mother wrote - 85 of them. After reading the first page it made me wonder about my own journals. I have 15 filled notebooks I started in 1963 right before JFK's assassination. They are dated and most of the pages are numbered.

I also have a box of letters that Bernie and I wrote to each other before we were married in 1958. He was in the Navy and it took almost ten days before I'd get a return letter. Now that e-mails are so fast do people actually correspond? I'm glad I have these letters, but like my journals, who would want to read them? What will happen to them when I'm gone - when both of us have left this earth plane? Will my Son want to cart around all this as he moves, will they be stored in a warehouse? Who would care?

I remember when my mom died, my step father was tossing a lot of things I grabbed. Mom was a noted Amateur Radio operator who received plaques for different accomplishments.

My journals are about my life, healing fears, overcoming agoraphobia, different therapies I've been through, my growth as an astrologer, tarot card reader and much much more. I would like to write my memoirs someday but don't know where to start. Again, who would want to read it? Someone suggested I donate them to a college and I wondered why. One thing I do know is that I'd be delighted if I found journals written by my mother or my grandmother.

Glorious sunrise over the ocean

I spent many a morning looking at this scene during the years I lived in South Florida. I have this beautiful memory to remember. Whenever I want I can close my eyes and in my imagination I am back there. In fact it is one of the pictures I use for meditation. The water was warm and I'd stand in the light that the sun cast upon the ocean and feel myself being healed. Nothing mattered as I stood in the now of the sunrise. I hope you enjoy this as much as I do.



Thank you Lightning Videos.

The Law of Attraction is like the Internet - What's Your Password?

Our brains have been compared to computers in many ways and no computer has been able to duplicate the brain. The brain and the computer need energy. The computers need electricity or battery power to run and our brains need nutrients and oxygen. When the computer breaks it can be fixed by adding new parts or, in other cases we can buy new computers or upgrade them. Try adding new parts to the brain or upgrading them. It hasn't happened yet.

The Law of Attraction is like the internet. What is your password? Watch this video and let's discuss.

Afraid of Escalators

I'm afraid of escalators! I will avoid them at all costs. I will go to the back of a store to find the elevator rather than ride an escalator. I get all sweaty and feel dizzy when I step on to one. I wonder will I miss the step? What if I fall? I don't know if this is an unreasonable fear or not. I'm not even sure I need to get over it.




Today when we were at the Barnes and Noble in the Asheville mall I was upstairs where my favorite genre of books are. After I browsed awhile I saw some writing how-to books along with dictionaries way in the back of the store. Bernie had gone down to another store to do an errand and said he'd look for me upstairs. I was standing by the railing waiting for him because if I went back to where the writing books were he'd have a hard time finding me. While waiting I was watching people riding the up escalator. One man was actually reading a book as he stood on those moving stairs. Another gal ran up the stairs. A couple were leaning sideways toward each other conversing. Everyone seemed so calm as if riding an escalator was an every day occurrence, nothing to be afraid of. I guess one can calmly practice riding an escalator in their minds and use EFT to tap on the fear. Do I want to? Does it matter? Do we have to get over every fear we have? What do you think? Do you have any fears that stop you from doing things you'd like to do?

P.S. I don't like riding down escalators either.

Wouldn't it be nice if life was more like this?

Someone sent me a link to this in my thriving now forum. I got thinking about it and wishing life could be more like this and less of a struggle. Of course it could be boring if life was like this every day. But if you find yourself struggling you can imagine pushing this in your mind and hearing the sound.



Wishing you an Easy Day today ♥♥