Blogging Day 5 - School Made me Feel Dumb, Stupid, Useless

I watched a video on Facebook today and a lot of emotions came up about how dumb I felt in school.  One reason was that I was hard of hearing and would you believe I didn't know it?  I knew I wasn't understanding things but never realized it was because I couldn't hear well.  Back in those days no one thought to check children's hearing.  No, they just thought I wasn't paying attention and scolded me or told me to "pay attention". That didn't help.  Instead I felt stupid.

One day I remember standing at the blackboard trying to work out a math problem.  I wasn't good at math to begin with but the teacher was trying to help and called on another child to tell me what to do. I couldn't hear the child and kind of fumbled around feeling dumber and dumber.  The class started laughing at me and I wanted to just run away, run home. Many times I would stare out the window wishing I could leave and go home. But I knew they would bring me back to school and scold me.  I even liked being sick so I didn't have to go to school.  This was the beginning of a school phobia and led to Agoraphobia.  I would have stomach aches every morning when I'd have to go to school and they thought I was "pretending".  This went on for twelve years. This is actually a form of Trauma and Flight or Freeze. I froze because of feeling stupid, inept and I couldn't flee.

I didn't know I had a brain in my head until I was 35 and sitting in a used book store among college graduates holding my own in the conversation. When I realized I actually was intelligent it was like a light was switched on.  I did love to read and was a voracious reader but I didn't realize I was actually smart.

Fast forward to now, I realize that if school had been different and my needs were listened to, things could have been a lot different. I'm not angry about it, there is no point to holding grudges but wow, I would have loved to have gone to school like today with internet, Google and homeschooling!

Here is the video that started my feelings and writing the blog.

Fear, Panic Attacks, Anxiety I felt all of these

When I was a child I had many surgeries to repair a cleft lip and palate.  I was told to be a "good girl" and a "big girl" and don't cry.  But I was terrified.  I told my mother I was nervous and she said, "Little girls don't have nerves."  Why am I writing about this?  Because as a child I couldn't flee.  I couldn't fight.  So my emotions and fears froze inside.  I had to wear a cuff that prevented me from reaching up and pulling out my stitches so I felt even more trapped.

I became phobic and when I went to school I looked different and was hard of hearing.  The kids called me quiver lip and more.  One little girl said she'd be friends with me when we were alone but when others were around she wouldn't be my friend.  I accepted that but it hurt.  I didn't learn how to stand up for myself.  I had a stomach ache every morning before I went to school and actually looked forward to being sick so I could stay home from school and not feel stressed.

The teachers didn't know how scared I was, they just thought I was trying to get away with doing my school work or they thought I was stupid.  I often sat in class staring out the window wanting to run home but I knew they would bring me back to school.

Having not dealt with any of these fears, they turned into Agoraphobia, the fear of having a panic attack and losing control.  For many years I thought someday I was going to go crazy and get locked up in a mental institution.   I used to call it "my problem" having no idea what was wrong with me or how to get help.  People would tell me to just get out there and be brave.  I had been "brave" for too long.

Why am I talking about this now? Not to make anyone feel sorry for me but to explain that I was traumatized by not being able to flee or fight.  All these fears were locked down within and came out as phobias.  I had many types of therapies and everything helped a little but it wasn't until I found Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) and Thriving now that I really got help.  When we experience a series of traumas our primitive brain does everything it can to protect us, to try and keep us safe.  For me my primitive brain helped me feel safe by making me scared to go to doctors, dentists, school and I don't even like to get my hair cut.  I am getting better though thanks to learning about the Primitive Brain and how to make it my friend and sooth it.

There is a wonderful course that I took and was greatly helped that is starting again.  It is called Reprogramming Your Primitive Brain.  Anyone who signs up before midnight on Thursday gets a free 20 minute tapping session with Rick Wilkes either by Skype or phone.  Rick Wilkes and Cathy Vartuli have helped me so much and I have many tools now if a panic attack starts.  I am still a work in progress but I've come a long way.

So if you have anxiety or feel unsafe, have a problem with self-worth you might want to take a look at the Reprogramming Your Primitive Brain Course.  There are tapping videos, meditations, phone calls you can participate in and more.  You didn't need to experience the kinds of trauma I did to feel unworthy or have self-esteem issues.  There are many "small traumas" that can trigger these kinds of feelings.  Tapping is amazing and very simple.  I continue to feel more confident and happier.  I hope you will too.

With Love, Jean Maurie