Blogging Day 5 - School Made me Feel Dumb, Stupid, Useless

I watched a video on Facebook today and a lot of emotions came up about how dumb I felt in school.  One reason was that I was hard of hearing and would you believe I didn't know it?  I knew I wasn't understanding things but never realized it was because I couldn't hear well.  Back in those days no one thought to check children's hearing.  No, they just thought I wasn't paying attention and scolded me or told me to "pay attention". That didn't help.  Instead I felt stupid.

One day I remember standing at the blackboard trying to work out a math problem.  I wasn't good at math to begin with but the teacher was trying to help and called on another child to tell me what to do. I couldn't hear the child and kind of fumbled around feeling dumber and dumber.  The class started laughing at me and I wanted to just run away, run home. Many times I would stare out the window wishing I could leave and go home. But I knew they would bring me back to school and scold me.  I even liked being sick so I didn't have to go to school.  This was the beginning of a school phobia and led to Agoraphobia.  I would have stomach aches every morning when I'd have to go to school and they thought I was "pretending".  This went on for twelve years. This is actually a form of Trauma and Flight or Freeze. I froze because of feeling stupid, inept and I couldn't flee.

I didn't know I had a brain in my head until I was 35 and sitting in a used book store among college graduates holding my own in the conversation. When I realized I actually was intelligent it was like a light was switched on.  I did love to read and was a voracious reader but I didn't realize I was actually smart.

Fast forward to now, I realize that if school had been different and my needs were listened to, things could have been a lot different. I'm not angry about it, there is no point to holding grudges but wow, I would have loved to have gone to school like today with internet, Google and homeschooling!

Here is the video that started my feelings and writing the blog.

Blogging Day 4 Fifty Five Years of Journaling

I have been keeping a journal since 1963 and have over fifteen filled notebooks dated and with numbered pages (at least on the earlier ones).  I am not going to digitize them.  Some of the ink on the pages has faded.  What do I do with these? 

There is a book called The Gentle Art of Death Cleansing which I haven't read yet.  But I read some articles about it and she says to get rid of journals! No one wants them.  Really?  I would love to read my Mother, Grandmother or Aunt's journals. I love to read journal books like  Journal of a Solitude by May Sarton.  My friend suggests donating them to a college.  However I doubt that they'd want it.

Just like our grandparents china, jewelry and furniture isn't wanted by this generation of young people.  I've heard and read that people are having a hard time getting rid of our Grandparents and parents "stuff".  No one wants piano's anymore.  It is a different world!

These journals tell my story about having panic attacks and anxiety and not knowing what was wrong with me until I discovered I had Agoraphobia.   I wrote about what I did to try and get rid of the panic attacks.  I wrote about different methods I discovered and the various therapies I tried.

I wrote about arguments I had with my mother and more.  It was good for me to write and I'm sure it helped my mental health.  I don't feel much like keeping a journal anymore. Blogging and emails seem to satisfy me now.

But what do I do with my journals? I'm almost 82. I doubt if I'll write my memoirs.  Who would read them? Would I have time?  Do I even want to spend the energy on this?  Probably not unless I was totally alone with no distractions.

So if you read this I would be interested in ideas, suggestions.  Thanks.

Singing and Healing

Day 17 Nudge: Show off without apologizing

When I was a little girl I loved to sing.  I was in the choir and sometimes got too enthusiastic.  One day my aunt told me that Mrs. G told her to tell me not to sing too loud because I couldn't carry a tune.  That was the end! No more singing for me.

Fast forward 60+ years we discovered karaoke.  I still loved music but there was no way in hell I was going to get up and sing.  My husband had no problems singing without even rehearsing.

Something inside of me wanted to get up and sing just like I loved to do as a child.  But I was too scared. And I mean SCARED.  I couldn't carry a tune, remember?

Two of the regulars invited me to sit between them and sing a song I knew and they would sing with me to make it easier.  They let me pick out a song.  It was the Girl From Ipanema.  I sang it with them and I think I shook for the rest of the evening.

"All you have to do is practice," people would say trying to be helpful. 
"Practice what?  How do I know if I am practicing the right notes?"  No one could really answer my question.

Someone told me a male that came to karaoke was a high school choir director and pointed him out to me.  "Maybe he could help you."

For a few weeks I was too nervous to ask him but finally I did.  I asked him how does one practice singing and know if they are practicing the right way?  He told me things about vocalizing and cupping my ear so I could hear my own voice when I sang.   I asked him if he would be willing to teach me and if so how much did he charge.  We made an appointment for me to meet him where he teaches and he would listen to me sing and see if I was teachable.

I don't know where I got the nerve but this voice in my head that was put there by my choir director through my aunt wanted healing. So at 70 1/2 I took singing lessons.  I was anxious before every lesson but once I got into it I had fun.  I learned I had a bigger singing range than I knew. But because of a hearing loss in one ear I couldn't always hear when I went sharp or flat.  But I kept on.

One thing he told me is that if I don't keep up with vocalizing my voice would go back to what it was before and even worse. He was right. When I sing I cough now.  I found some really fun vocalizing videos online and keep promising myself I will sing again.   Maybe I will, maybe I won't, but I did heal that voice from my childhood and I am pretty proud of myself whether I sing again or not.

Here I am singing one of my favorite songs at karaoke.

Beam Me Up Scottie or Let the Parrots Free

Last night I watched a PBS special about rescuing abandoned parrots or parrots that people could not keep.  It was an hour long special and talked about poachers taking baby parrots from the nests and raising them to sell. Now instead of poaching they breed parrots.  There are hundreds if not thousands of parrots who now live in rescue places.

They went on to show how parrots and other birds are social and need to be with their own.  They find mates and bond.  Parrots alone in a cage get so anxious they start pulling out their own feathers.  This is like people who are in so much pain they cut themselves.

I got tears in my eyes watching this and especially when I saw a parrot raised as a baby being released and practicing flying.  Then it soared with another parrot and flew free.






This program deeply affected me, even more than I realized because I've often felt caged by fears and anxiety.  I have a feeling that I once knew how to fly but living on this planet with gravity holding me down, I forgot how.  I had a flying dream once and hope to have more.

I got into the shower and found myself sobbing, runny nose, snorting type of crying. It surprised me but it didn't stop for awhile. The crying wasn't about the birds so much but about feelings that came up for me.

I have had panic and anxiety most of my life which was diagnosed as Agoraphobia.  

I'm better now because of a lot of different therapies, especially Emotional Freedom, tapping, but I feel a lot of my life has looked like this..

What does it feel like to live a life of freedom and really fly? 


Would this make a difference?

Fear, Panic Attacks, Anxiety I felt all of these

When I was a child I had many surgeries to repair a cleft lip and palate.  I was told to be a "good girl" and a "big girl" and don't cry.  But I was terrified.  I told my mother I was nervous and she said, "Little girls don't have nerves."  Why am I writing about this?  Because as a child I couldn't flee.  I couldn't fight.  So my emotions and fears froze inside.  I had to wear a cuff that prevented me from reaching up and pulling out my stitches so I felt even more trapped.

I became phobic and when I went to school I looked different and was hard of hearing.  The kids called me quiver lip and more.  One little girl said she'd be friends with me when we were alone but when others were around she wouldn't be my friend.  I accepted that but it hurt.  I didn't learn how to stand up for myself.  I had a stomach ache every morning before I went to school and actually looked forward to being sick so I could stay home from school and not feel stressed.

The teachers didn't know how scared I was, they just thought I was trying to get away with doing my school work or they thought I was stupid.  I often sat in class staring out the window wanting to run home but I knew they would bring me back to school.

Having not dealt with any of these fears, they turned into Agoraphobia, the fear of having a panic attack and losing control.  For many years I thought someday I was going to go crazy and get locked up in a mental institution.   I used to call it "my problem" having no idea what was wrong with me or how to get help.  People would tell me to just get out there and be brave.  I had been "brave" for too long.

Why am I talking about this now? Not to make anyone feel sorry for me but to explain that I was traumatized by not being able to flee or fight.  All these fears were locked down within and came out as phobias.  I had many types of therapies and everything helped a little but it wasn't until I found Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) and Thriving now that I really got help.  When we experience a series of traumas our primitive brain does everything it can to protect us, to try and keep us safe.  For me my primitive brain helped me feel safe by making me scared to go to doctors, dentists, school and I don't even like to get my hair cut.  I am getting better though thanks to learning about the Primitive Brain and how to make it my friend and sooth it.

There is a wonderful course that I took and was greatly helped that is starting again.  It is called Reprogramming Your Primitive Brain.  Anyone who signs up before midnight on Thursday gets a free 20 minute tapping session with Rick Wilkes either by Skype or phone.  Rick Wilkes and Cathy Vartuli have helped me so much and I have many tools now if a panic attack starts.  I am still a work in progress but I've come a long way.

So if you have anxiety or feel unsafe, have a problem with self-worth you might want to take a look at the Reprogramming Your Primitive Brain Course.  There are tapping videos, meditations, phone calls you can participate in and more.  You didn't need to experience the kinds of trauma I did to feel unworthy or have self-esteem issues.  There are many "small traumas" that can trigger these kinds of feelings.  Tapping is amazing and very simple.  I continue to feel more confident and happier.  I hope you will too.

With Love, Jean Maurie 

What a difference a day makes

I don't understand why some days I can wake up with waves of anxiety coursing through me and other days it's not there. Yesterday wasn't any different than any other day. By that I mean I didn't have a pending doctor's appointment, I didn't hurt anyplace, I had money to pay bills and everything seemed like a normal Saturday. I got up despite the anxiety and turned on the computer. Everything was ok there, thank goodness because I definitely need a new screamingly fast computer. But the planet Mercury was sitting stationary in my sun sign of Taurus. It started turning direct today but yesterday I felt like shit. Pardon my expression. I had no energy, I felt like there was no reason to get up, sit here, be nice or anything. I'm sure we all feel this way at times.

I decided to pull up my astrology chart and see what was going on. The planet Mercury was opposite my natal moon and doing something nasty to my natal Mars. Right now I forget what it was but I looked it up and it said something about getting into arguments with people. I knew there was no point to that, so I kind of just stayed to myself and tried not to sulk. I gave thanks for stuff and played some games on pogo.com.

We'd planned on going downtown to the bikers for autism and hear our favorite one man band, Tom Brown. I almost didn't want to go but the voices in my head said, "go you'll feel better." So we did. The voices in my head were right, I did feel better. We just love listening to Tom Brown. I wish he'd get a profile on facebook or get someone to film him and put him on You Tube. You think of a one man band as a clown like person with clickers in their hand and a whistle that they blow. But Tom isn't like that. He's recorded background music on his computers and he sings and plays the guitar with the background music. He plays a lot of oldie goldies from the 50s and 60s. Next week he'll be at the curb market and I'm looking forward to that.

Anyhow, main street was filled with bikers of all sorts. I don't know the different names of motorcycles though. I wish I'd taken some pictures. I took a pic with my blackberry and sent it to my friend Lori (hey baby what's your card) but it wasn't clear enough to put on here. Oh yes Bernie took a video but it isn't ready to put up here. Maybe later I'll get some pics. It was a nice evening and I got my ice cream fix and some honey/garlic chicken. Yum.

So today I get up, feel fine and we go out to the Golden Corral for breakfast. I love their egg pies, creamed chipped beef and glazed donuts. (I only eat one). Then an ex neighbor comes over and stands there talking about her ailments and her husband's doctor's appointments and I proceed to get a stomach ache. I don't like listening to this crap. Sorry. I've had enough experience with doctor's and surgery to last me the rest of my life.

We went grocery shopping, came home and I've been sitting here working on my soul garden Taurus page of love. If you want to get your daily love fix come join me @
http://www.soulgardencollective.tv/profile/Taurus

It's a neat place and you'll enjoy the music, pictures, blogs and comments.

I guess what this whole thing is about is why is one day so totally different from the next? Not that I want every day to be the same. I'm talking more about moods than anything else. I'm glad Mercury is direct now. Do you have days like I had yesterday and don't know why?

^i^ angel hugs, Jean