Sleepless in my house

 September 21, 2021

Yes that's what happened to me Sunday night.  After falling asleep around 11:45pm I woke up somewhere around 1:30am and "that's all she wrote." 

My mind was spinning and even with some rounds of EFT tapping, trying to meditate, telling myself that this moment was the only one to think about, getting up and walking around, a few swear words, I was still awake. I was also thinking how how spacey I would feel the next day.  At least I didn't have any appointments, just an early afternoon food delivery.

I'm so glad I don't have insomnia like this often.  I remember back in the 90s when I could only sleep a couple hours a night for three months.  It was brutal and was caused from PTSD after a surgery outcome that was different from what I'd expected.  All this triggered childhood surgeries that hadn't been healed.

What do people do when they can't sleep? Some get up and read, but I was just too tired to concentrate. I need to get a blue tooth headset so I can listen to some guided meditations or an app for sleep on my phone. I love my iPhone but don't like that they eliminated the headphone jack. I don't like earbuds or anything sticking in my ear.

I've read about people cleaning houses or baking when they couldn't sleep.

Who has insomnia and what do you do when you can't sleep? 

I fell asleep after breakfast on Monday for about an hour and surprisingly felt better than I thought I would.  I also got some answers about something that was worrying me, so I breathed a sigh of relief.  Another nap after lunch helped too but around 7pm I felt myself starting to fade.  It was too early to go to sleep for the night and too late for a nap. 

I'm happy to report that I slept 7 house last night and feel thankful and refreshed.

http://effywild.com

Thank you for reading.

Image by Piyapong Saydaung from Pixabay

Anxious But Let's Get it Done - Day 21

Since I'm fully vaccinated I'm catching up on things that I've put off since staying isolated from Covid.

Today is getting my teeth cleaned and seeing if I need a tooth pulled.   After a childhood filled with surgeries, doctor appointments, dentists and braces, I have every right to feel anxious. Sometimes I am more anxious than others.   Today I am anxious but not focusing on it except for writing a blog about it.  I am feeling bits of warm pulses of anxiety energy running through my body.  I allow myself to feel it instead of pushing it down.  I do some mental eft tapping, take some slow deep breathing and blow out the anxious energy. Thankfully I have more tools to use now than when I was a child.  Back then I just swallowed my fears and suffered a lot of stomach aches.  

This is how I feel about going to the dentist.

Going to the dentist

Rewards are important and I've been thinking what I will give myself.  I know I want to get a new phone, so that will be a possible reward.  Depending on today's outcome will decide if food will be a reward. 

I'm blogging every day in April with a wonderful, creative, caring group of over 300 bloggers on Effy's Blog-a-thon.

 http://effywild.com

 

I Can Be Happy When - Day 9

 

I saw this on Facebook earlier and thought, This is my blog for day 9.  

All my life I've been waiting for this or that to be here and I would be happy.  

Or if I just take this next class and be certified I will feel confident enough to do Tarot, Astrology or Angel readings.  So I kept taking classes.

Then there was therapy! As someone who has had panic and anxiety most of my life I looked for ways to heal.

First there was hypnosis.  It helped.

Then there was Primal Scream.  I had to face some of my scariest moments there.

Biofeedback was next.  I loved it and learned for the first time what it felt to be totally relaxed. I'd love to have a biofeedback machine here.  Yes I do remember that delicious feeling.

Several past life therapies were interesting.  Did it help?  Not really but I'm glad I tried it.  Yes I would do it again if circumstances presented itself.

I had several talk therapy sessions that were ok.

Now I work with Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT Tapping) and I would say this has been the best along with meditation and visualization.   Do I still have anxiety and panic?  Yes but nothing like I used to.  

I will be 85 in May and I am learning more and more to be in the NOW.   If someone asked me where do I see myself in 6 months or 5 years I would just smile.  I don't have any long term goals and it is quite freeing.  

This morning I woke up at 3:30 and my mind started racing about the what if's.  The appointments that I put off because of staying isolated are coming.  Our 2nd week after our 2nd shot will be this Tuesday.  There are things we need to do that we put on our waiting list are facing us.  Not bad stuff, just stuff.  I could feel my body tensing as all this rolled around in my thoughts.  Then I remembered some of what I've learned.  

Why am I thinking about things that are in the future when now is the only time I have.  I closed my eyes and asked myself as I mentally tapped, "how do you want to feel"? Then I did my slow deep breathing and said, "Relax, let Go and let God.  Next thing I knew it was 7:30!  

Can I do this always? No.  Sometimes those ornery voices in my head won't shut up but often they will.  

I'm Blogging every day during April with a group of other wonderful bloggers.

http://effywild.com

No bypassing today - Day 10

I've been bypassing my feelings in my blogs lately.  But today I'm not going to.  Friday I ate too much acid stuff - Part of an orange hubby shared with me,  then I made some spaghetti in my Instant Pot and forgot to add the sugar.  I also drank a diet coke.  All day Saturday my stomach burned.  I wasn't thinking when I had orange and tomato sauce on the same day with a coke.  I still felt yucky on Sunday but not as bad.

Monday I realized my IBS was now kicking in.  I have tools to help when my tummy gets stressed emotionally.  They usually work - mindful breathing, Emotional Freedom Therapy/ tapping and meditation.

There is a lot going on right now in my life.  Our medical doctor is leaving.  I had a good relationship with her. She understood my PTSD and said she'd not let me run out of xanax.  Not that I take it daily but I sure do when I'm heading for the dentist or something equally stressful. Usually it's a half a pill. I just hope the new doctor will be as accommodating.

I had to change chiropractors since the other one we'd been going to for years wasn't on our insurance.  I'm not sure about the new one yet.

My son is moving. He doesn't live near us but he is a highly sensitive person like I am and I know how stressful it is to move, especially halfway across the country.  I am happy for him and our daughter in love, but I think I'm absorbing some of his anxiety.  Or not.

Maybe it's Uranus in Taurus right now, my natal Uranus. Quick changes for a Taurean who does not like to move quickly.  I remember my astrology friend/teacher was explaining Uranus and Taurus and how Uranus knocks on Taurus' door saying, "Come on I have a cool thing to show you I think you'd like." Taurus says, "I don't feel like going anyplace today."  Uranus, "Come on, you'll like it, I promise." "Nah, maybe later."  Uranus, "Ok I'm coming in take you whether you like it or not."  So Uranus takes Taurus by the hand and drags her off to see a new adventure and Taurus ends up liking it after all - hopefully.  So I could just feel Uranus knocking on my door.

Here is an interesting article for each sign

about Uranus in Taurus.

I ask my angels and guides to help me by giving me some answers.  I feel I am being guided just by knowing what is bothering me. They did tell me to get up and walk the other day when I just felt like sitting here vegging and playing games the other day.  I didn't want to but "heard" it again, so I paid attention.  They told me years ago to "find out about computers" in a loud voice in my house when I was alone.

Another time I was taking a shower getting ready to go to the dermatologist. I was anxious because I was always getting biopsied. This time a big one got in the shower with me and told me to relax I wouldn't get cut on this time.  And I didn't.  So I do pay attention even if it just feels like it's my imagination talking to me.

Angels watch over you and me

I'm blogging with Effy Wild for the month of April. If you want to know more and how click here. 

It Was Just A Little Pink Spot - Day 6

First I want to say that I am not telling anyone what to do.  I dislike warnings.  So if this speaks to you fine, if not, that's fine too.

Oceans, beaches and pools have been my relaxation places.  As a child we'd spend some summers down at the Jersey shore.  Many summers I'd be having surgeries so the times I spent at the beach were special to me.  Smelling the salt air and feasting my eyes on sun sparkling on the ocean relaxed me to my core.  I also got some bad sunburns.  I'm not even sure if they had suntan lotion in the 1940s.

Little me in the ocean

Me on my Aunt's dock in Stone Harbor

When I was a teenager we moved to Florida and my parents built a pool in their backyard.  I was in my glory.   I turned golden brown and my hair became white/blonde.  My natal moon is in Scorpio which is a water sign.  Moon is all about emotions so no wonder I felt so at home living near water.

When I turned 50 I had a basal cell carcinoma removed from my chest.  I was so hoping that it wasn't skin cancer, but it was.  They found a couple more on my forehead so I decided not to go to the beach and sunbathe anymore. People told me, "Just wear long sleeved shirts and long pants and go after the sun goes down."  No thank you.  Nothing about that appealed to me. But I grieved.  When we'd ride by the ocean a part of me just wanted to throw caution to the wind and dive into the ocean.  A few years went by and I spent my time in the air conditioned house.  We talked about moving to the mountains, so we took a couple trips to the Tennessee, North Carolina mountains.  We decided we liked the Asheville area the best so in 2000 we moved up here.  I never saw a mountain until I was over 50 and my Taurus Earth sign fell in love with them.

Fast forward to 2014 I had another skin cancer removed from the side of my nose. This was a raised shiny crusty bump.   Last year I discovered a little pink spot on the side of my nose and rather close to my eye.  It was just an innocuous pink spot.  It didn't bleed, it wasn't crusty but in November my dermatologist did a biopsy and it came back as a basal cell.  I had a consultation with a surgeon who said it needed to come off and I should have had it off a year ago.  So February 8th I had the first surgery. Since it  was very close to my eye,  I had to have two surgeries, one, a mohs surgery to remove the cancer and

 a second with an optical surgeon to make sure the tear ducts were not affected.  She sewed me up pretty good.

The ordeal is done, I've healed pretty well but I'm also a little angry.  It pisses me off that this one special thing that I loved to do could cause so much damage.  Yes I know, it could have been worse.  I googled this and it seems that it's a DNA thing where the DNA cells are damaged and don't heal from sun damage.  Scientists are studying it more.  Yes I have a light complexion, blonde hair and light eyes.  So I am more susceptible but neither my mother or my brother have had to have skin cancer removals.

So if you've been in the sun a lot maybe check your skin for pink spots.  There are charts for what to look for on our skin but this one did not fit any of them.  It was just a little pink spot.

I know I need to tap on the grieving more (EFT/tapping)  because right now the sun feels like my enemy.